Timing was key.  She couldn’t just walk out there and blurt the whole thing out.  Or could she.  Johnah had only ever used such tact in anything that involved business – anything that would better her career.  She could sweet talk any employer to get exactly what she wanted, but this was different.  This situation was intimate, and normally Johnah was the type to suck, fuc.k, or duck out of intimate situations.  Those weren’t her strong suit and she’d rather not get stuck in them. 

She’d expected Damien to give up on her.  At least, that was what most men did after realizing she was hiding from them in the ladies room.  Only the creepy obsessive ones stayed.  To say she was surprised when she heard Damien’s voice break through her frantic thoughts was an understatement.  Something in her metaphorical heart clenched, and she had no doubt it was the bit of love she always had for him.  In the midst of her thoughts crashing through her head like heavy waves, Damien was light that led her to shore – that inspired some sort of hope within her that she could make it out alive.  The reality of the situation was Johnah didn’t have any paddles.  Damien was as unattainable as ever, even without her parents in the mix.

With a sigh, Johnah let herself out of the stall she hid in and stepped up to the mirror.  Thankfully, she hadn’t cried.  Her makeup was safe, so she still looked killer – her winged eyeliner could cut a bit.ch it was so sharp.  She combed a hand through her hair, ruffling it up a bit before dipping her hands under the faucet.  She may not have actually gone to the bathroom, but bathrooms were still gross.  After successfully managing to swing open the door with the towel used to dry her hands and tossing it into the nearest trash bin, Johnah stood face to face with Damien.  Ducking out of the situation wasn’t an option, Damien wouldn’t allow it.  And there were only two other options. 

Her eyes looked to his, briefly dropping down to his lips before returning back up.  As much as she hated to admit to herself, Damien wasn’t the type she could have for a night and be done with.  He was the type to fill her up slowly, the type she could spend the rest of her years with and not get tired of.  Even back at the orphanage Johnah never got over how his kisses made her feel, or how tenderly his hands touched her skin.  She wasn’t deserving of him, that much she knew.  “We need to talk,” She said in a quiet voice, finally taking her eyes away from his and settling on the drink he had in his hand.  Her own quickly took hold of the glass that was hers, bringing it up to her lips to down the rest.  If she was going to say anything, she needed to be drunk, that way her thoughts wouldn’t take her over the edge again.

Johnah led the way to the patio they’d met at, but not without stopping at the bar to get refills first.  It was getting late, people wanted to be inside where other people were if they wanted to score anything.  Of course Johnah would be a professional at that kind of math.  The equations were all but engraved in her soul by now.  Just as she expected, the patio was empty.  It was also significantly cooler than it was when she first arrived, making her suppress the shiver than ran down her spine.  It wasn’t like she had to remember that kind of thing before.  Normally she’d be leaving with a posh suit jacket over her shoulders and a dapper looking man hanging off of every word she said.  Painfully ironic, it was, to see the difference between Joh talking with some rando at the bar and Joh talking with Damien.  His very presence unseated her confidence and intensified the guilt.

“You know, when my parents weren’t there – which was basically the whole time – Grandma would take care of me.  That orphanage was my home since I was five.”  Joh trailed off as she took a drink, brows furrowed thoughtfully.  “She gave it to me.  Willow-Run is mine.”  The orphanage was still running, and has been running the past few years with Carrie bed-ridden and unable to help at the place herself like she had before.  The staff, however, was still the same.  Johnah stopped talking there, a small part of her hoping Damien would think that the orphanage was what made her so frantic earlier and not some other moral dilemma. 

Johnah listened with Damien with her eyes burning holes into the wood of the table.  One hand on the table holding her drink while the other was nestled in her lap, clenched into a fist.  As much as his words hurt, he was right.  The thoughts pushed away in the dark corners of her mind immediately took advantage of the weakness she showed.  She was just like them.  Young, naïve Johnah didn’t realize that she was just as much as an orphan as everyone else in Willow-Run.  Young, naïve Johnah didn’t see it, but grown-up Johnah did.  The similarities were striking.  And even then, even without her parents in the picture, she still wanted to please them – to be like them and live up to their expectations and impress them.  And doing so lead poor, young, naïve Johnah to end a life.

The shine in her eyes had all but vanished, however she made sure to keep Damien ignorant of the battling thoughts inside her head.  He didn’t need to know – he couldn’t know.  It would break him more than it broke her.  Johnah accepted that she was a monster, she didn’t want to see how Damien would react.

His reaction to her question brought a ghost of a smile to her face.  She took a quick sip of her drink, hoping he didn’t notice the sudden change in her demeanor, as well, hoping he wouldn’t question her about it if he did.  Stuttering Damien was the Damien Johnah knew.  It made her chest clench knowing that he hadn’t changed that much.  He was so… innocent.  “Well, if I were to guess…  Being so obsessed with your work keeps you distracted.  You’d rather work than think about the things you don’t want to think about.  You know your thoughts are dark, but to actually acknowledge them would make them a reality, so you don’t.  You fill your time with anything and everything – odd jobs, extra courses because you don’t mind extending your schooling because heaven forbid you actually think.  And in doing that for so long you become good at running from your real problems, so you run towards success or to any man who buys you a drink or to any pill bottle that promises a full night of sleep and to take the pain away.  But it’s okay, your future is bright.  It’s the image that you want – that you need – because being yourself just sucks.”  She’d gotten carried away.  Her eyes were wide, mouth slack.  But then she got a hold of herself.  A beautiful smile tilted the corners of her lips, eyes adopting an innocent light as she looked to Damien.  “Or maybe that’s just me.”  A shrug.  Johnah stood up, pulling the bottom of her dress down.  She’d give anything to be in a pair of sweatpants, curled up in her bed under Grandma’s quilt.  “I have to go to the bathroom.  Don’t spike my drink while I’m gone.”  She quickly removed herself from the situation, tears pooling in her eyes as she stepped into a bathroom stall. 

Johnah leaned against the stall door, heaving a sigh and trying her best not to cry.  It would ruin her makeup, the stuff’s expensive.  She contemplated leaving.  Who even faces their problems nowadays anyways?  But something was making her stay, and that something was the man waiting out there for her.  Damien was the best and worst thing to ever happen to her.  He deserved an explanation.  At least that way she didn’t have to keep running from him, he’d want to run away from her himself. 

All the while he was talking, a wide smile was on Joh’s face.  His success made her heart burst and her panties wet - metaphorically, of course.  “That’s really great, Damien,” She said in a gentle voice, placing a hand on his bicep.  Swoon.  HE was really close, within an hour of her.  The thought was almost comforting if it weren’t for the underlying guilt she had – gosh, she needed a stronger drink.  As he finished talking, she finished off her beer, eventually getting the attention of the bartender tog et a second, stronger drink.  Once the bartender finished and left the two to their own, eyes lingering far too long on Johnah, Joh continued the conversation. 

“Well, you’re not wrong, but I got everything on my own.” A joking look of annoyance was sent his way.  She wasn’t lying.  Her parents had left her high and dry the second they found out her little secret.  The only one to help her was Carrie, and she was gone.  The thought would’ve brought tears to Johnah’s eyes if she wasn’t so stubborn.  She didn’t need to tell Damien that she told people she was an orphan because it was easier than telling them her parents had disowned her, or that she had been mugged at least twice during her time in New York.  “I got my bachelor’s in journalism just last year, despite already being a successful journalist.  I’m pretty independent right now, working on my own projects – though Vogue is showing great interest.  I get jobs here and there to write articles or conduct interviews.  I’ve been on television a couple of times for interviews and stuff, you know.  It’s pretty boring.”  Johnah shrugged, not really going deep enough for him to catch any hint of her struggles.  Those weren’t something he needed to know. 

“My place is in Manhattan.  Walk-in clost for all my precious shoes, just like you said.” Johanh playfully knocked her shoulder against his, resting there for a moment as she tucked some hair behind her ear.  “Honestly, work kind of runs my life, but I enjoy it.”  There was something about the isolation Johnah has cultivated for herself that was almost relieving.  Growing up, she’d always tried so hard to not let her parents down.  Now that they were out of her life, it was easier to be herself.  Without any friends, the only expectations of her were the ones she held for herself.  And when she needed intimacy, it was easy to find a good looking guy to satisfy her with no strings attached.  “So, now that we know I’m a workaholic and too busy to have a personal life, what’s your excuse for not being in a relationship?  You’re a great guy, Damien, I find it hard to believe that no one has tried to get with you.”  A manicured finger ran along the rim of her glass several times before bringing it up to her lips for a long drink.

Her own smile grew at the sight of his.  A suggestive brow rose as she made her way closer to him, but she kept her distance, still unsure of their limits.  So much time had passed, even their talk over coffee seemed like it happened years ago.  “Well I’m glad I didn’t let you down.”  Again.  Her voice was a seductive purr, eyes clearly taking note of his current state.  He changed out of the suit since the funeral – which was just as swoon-worthy as his current attire.  Damien was always the casual kind of guy.  He looked good in a suit, but he didn’t belong in one.  Jeans and a shirt was all he needed.  Smoking, however, was something new.  He pulled off the bad boy look perfectly – he made smoking look hot. 

His hesitation was obvious, he didn’t know what to do.  Neither did Johnah, but she covered it up beautifully.  A leg bent and her hip popped up, accentuating the curves of her body even more.  She was teasing, he knew it.  It wasn’t long before temptation got the best of him and he was making his way over to her.  Her eyes closed just after his and she met him in the middle, lips pressing together in a chaste kiss that was very much unlike the kisses Johnah normally gave to men.  Her eyes immediately found his after they pulled apart, gauging his reaction even though he was the one who initiated it.  Being that close to him allowed her to see just how tired he really was.  Stubble covered his sharp jaw, his skin was pale, and his hair was messier than it normally was.  Still swoon-worthy. 

She hadn’t realized the beer in her hand was missing until he took a drink from it.  A smirk was immediately on her face.  After the glass was back in her hand she took her own drink from it.  Johnah nodded her head.  “Let’s go then,” She purred quickly, grabbing his outstretched hand and leading the way back inside the building.  Having the same thoughts, Joh took one of the two spots in the secluded corner.  A smooth leg crossed over the other, causing her already short dress to rise up even more.  Another drink from her beer before setting it on the table, sultry eyes settling on Damien.  “So, let’s catch up.  I can see you’ve been doing… well.”  Her eyes trailed over him before reaching his own eyes, an innocent smile on her face. 

Johnah rushed into the bar, it looked like it would rain any minute and she sure as hell wouldn’t want to be caught out in it.  It would ruin her hair.  Pulling down the bottom of her dress, which was completely fitted to her body and, of course, black – she was still mourning after all – Joh scanned the bar for the all too familiar face.  It had been years since they last talked but he still looked the same and still made her feel the same way.  A frown threatened to tilt her lips when she came up empty.  Where was he?  Maybe she didn’t look hard enough.

Long, glistening legs carried her to the bar with confident strides, each step clicking loudly against the wood floors.  All eyes were on her, but she only wanted the attention of one man.  Who apparently wasn’t there.  Of course.  She treated him so badly, she didn’t blame him for leaving her hanging.  Joh took a seat on a stool that was slightly warm, and as she wondered whose ass was planted there before hers, the bartender came over, eyes greedily drinking in all they could. 

Flashing him a smile that did a poor job in covering up her discomfort, Johnah asked for the cheapest beer they had.  Once she paid and the drink was in her hand, she stood up and looked around for Damien again.  She realized on the way to the bar that her phone was dead, so calling him wasn’t really an option. Just as she was about to give up, she spotted him out on the patio.  Johnah quickly made her way over to him, skin prickling the second the cool outside air touched it.  “Hey, Damien, I’ve been looking for you.”  Taking the spot next to him, Joh glanced over his features.  Just like her, he had dark circles under his eyes, but thanks to the power of makeup she looked just as perfect as always.  “Sorry I was late.  I got caught up in traffic and my phone was dead.  I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”